


Adventures in Runaway Snakes

by memesf0r0ne



Series: Ineffable Nonsense, ft. Aziraphale's "Pet Snake" [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, I did research for this fic, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Snake Crowley (Good Omens), Sort Of, and disregarded like half of it, does it show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-23 14:43:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20244541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memesf0r0ne/pseuds/memesf0r0ne
Summary: Aziraphale reads too much. Crowley disappears. People at the Humane Society  freak out.





	Adventures in Runaway Snakes

**Author's Note:**

> Umm, I changed the title. Apparently "snakes" autocorrected to "and"??

“Dear, could you come over here?” Aziraphale asked.

No answer.

Last time the angel had seen Crowley, the usually man-shaped being was in his snake form, lounging around. But then again, Aziraphale was reading and tended to miss things. Knowing Crowley, he had likely slipped out while Aziraphale was in another book.

"Crowley, dear?" he called out to be sure, and was met with no response. With tender care, he placed his book on the table beside his chair and pressed a finger against the paperback's spine, trying to keep the cover from flailing up like paperbacks are prone to do.

He left his shop after making sure the sign said "CLOSED," and the door was double locked.

It was at this moment Aziraphale realized he had no idea where to start looking. He supposed he could ask after a large snake, since those were pretty uncommon in this part of England. Crowley's Bentley was still parked outside his shop, though. Aziraphale glanced inside and couldn't find a trace of Crowley.

A dark figure approached him.

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR YOUR SNAKE?

"Oh, I'm not entirely sure I would say  _ mine _ , he fares well on his own," Aziraphale dithered, before looking up. "But yes, sir, have you seen him?"

TRY THE HUMANE SOCIETY.

"Do you mean in London? But that's nearly twenty minutes away, what would he― oh, he isn't, they didn't...did they?"

The figure simply shrugged.

"Oh, dear! They might neuter him! I've got to go, bless you, sir."

Death gave Aziraphale a strange look, but didn't question it further as he tentatively stepped into the unlocked Bentley, in the driver's seat. The angel was muttering to himself. "Aziraphale, he just got this back, you can't― you had better not mess it up!"

He drove rather quickly, for all the crap he gave Crowley about speeding, and miracled the tollbooth person so they were suddenly susceptible to Jedi mind tricks. (Such as, "I don't need to pay the toll." Aziraphale would pay them well later, perhaps, but now he was busy.)

"Crowley!" he called after stepping out of the car (and locking its doors) at the Humane Society, ignoring the questioning looks. He paused, waiting for a response, when the sound of a continuing ruckus became apparent. People were screaming, and a cage was clanging.

His walk sped up.

A distant shout of, "ANGEL!" did not give him pause; it directed him, though. The shouts grew closer, and surprisingly, they did not calm down.

"Azzssssiraphale!"

"I'm here, dear," he answered, and cautiously opened the door in front of him.

"Is he a man or a snake?!" someone asked Aziraphale, because clearly, he would know.

"Dear, think of the paperwork!" he chided Crowley in exasperation. The demon was sitting in a cage that barely held him. It was clearly made for a large snake.

"Well, I'm sor-RY, love, but I tried to tell them. They wouldn't lisssten."

"That's because when you're a snake, mortals can't understand you!"

"It worked on Eve!"

"She was immortal at that time, remember? Ineffability!"

Someone else shushed the people screaming, and she was clearly paying attention to the conversation.

"Sir, is, uh, this your, um. Snake thing?"

"Yeah, he's my snake thing." He glanced over at Crowley. "Right? Would you say that?"

"Sssure, love," Crowley drawled, picking at the lock with his fingernail. His arm went through the cage bar, miraculously defying logic.

"Now, if you kind people could unlock the cage, we have some business to attend to," Aziraphale said. He paused, then frowned. "You don't neuter your animals, do you?"

"Angel, th-that won't make a difference, you...you know that!" Crowley flushed.

"Right, right. On with it, then, please unlock―"

The lock popped open, and Crowley withdrew his hand. "You brought the Bentley, didn't you," Crowley said slightly disdainfully.

"Maybe," Aziraphale shrugged, beaming. "We'll be on our way. Thank you!" he said to the workers who hadn't fainted during the exchange. Crowley hooked his arm through the angel's.

"You ought to be more careful!" Aziraphale exclaimed once they were outside.

"You ought to be more attentive, stop reading so much!"

They laughed. Of course, neither would actually change. And they were fine with that.


End file.
